I love the holidays. I hate the holidays. Long live the holidays!
Holiday stress + everyday stress = OMG wake me when it is over.
Lots of parents feel this way but divorced parents have just a little extra stress tossed in to help throw them deeper into the depths of holiday despair. Even if you're lucky enough to have an amicable relationship with your ex and have come up with a plan for shared holiday time that doesn't seem unfair to either of you, it's still hard.
It's hard on you, hard on your ex, hard on all of the grandparents and hard on the kids. I didn't always know that.
I got divorced in 2001. Christopher and Michelle moved to SC with me, Jenn stayed in NJ with her dad (and her boyfriend.) That first holiday season, we had an amicable plan...
We decided we would both drive to Virginia the day before Thanksgiving. I would hug Jenn for a few minutes and send the other two to NJ and we'd do a pick up in the same spot on Sunday. Then, at Christmas, Jenn would fly to my house for a few days and fly back. A few days later, I would drive Michelle and Chris to Charleston where their father would be visiting his parents.
It seemed very reasonable. Everyone would get time and we would actually get the kind of time we preferred. And it all went very well until I woke up on Thanksgiving morning and the house was empty. I had never felt so lonely in my entire life. I tend to blame my complete and utter despair on the fact that I had arrived home from the drop off at 3am and also had what I was sure was anthrax (it was 2001 after all.)
Upon reflection, I realize it wasn't the lack of sleep or the "anthrax". I just plain missed my kids. I had Thanksgiving dinner with my mom. TW did drive up later that day. I wasn't really all alone, but I still felt lonely.
Since then, I've experienced other holidays without the kids and it's a little easier than that first experience but I still miss them when they aren't here on the holidays. The fact that they're grown up helps - a little.
Technology also helps.
Way back in 2001, we didn't all have cell phones. And those of us who had them, had crummy service, limited plans or pay by the minute plans. We all used instant messenger type programs but we didn't all have laptops and not all of the homes were the kids were staying had high speed internet (or multiple computers.)
Now, all of the kids have cell phones with solid plans so nobody has to ask a parent for permission to use a phone. All of the kids take their laptops with them on trips so they can log in and send an email or even send photos. The only thing they are missing is the video camera. I think I'm going to buy all three Flip videos this year in hopes of getting some holiday videos when we're apart. (Michelle has a Mac and I sometimes think we should video-conference rather than spending our time on the phone, but we haven't tried it yet. Maybe this year when she's visiting her dad?)
The Washington Post reported that internet and cellphones may strengthen families. While I found the study interesting, I'd be even more interested in a study done on divorced families and technology. It sure has helped us!
How do you handle the holidays when the kids are with their "other parent"? Has technology improved your ability to keep in touch?
~~Denise
Flamingo House Happenings
