Once upon a time, you could give a child a football (if he was a boy) or a new dolly (if she was a girl) for Christmas, and everyone was happy. Easy peasy. Times have changed, and although in many ways for the better (now girls can get footballs and boys can get dolls, and everyone has a lot more options), something terrifying has befallen today's parents.
It's The Horrible Toy.
You know The Horrible Toy. Maybe you even have one in your house right now. The Horrible Toy is that hot toy that kids love, that kids adore, which probably costs too much and was hard to find and -- this is key, now -- would drive a saint to drink copious quantities of alcohol in an effort to drown out the noise.
The Horrible Toy comes in many different forms, but they all have one thing in common: They are noisy.
Picking one worst holiday toy is going to be difficult for me, because truly, there are so many options, many of which I have no direct experience. For the truly horrifying, I've managed to place a ban which even my ex-in-laws couldn't break. This would -- for me -- include any toy involving a realistic weapon, or any doll that dresses like a hooker. So I've seen those toys, sure, but they've never darkened my doorstep.
In terms of actual experience, well, let's see....
There was the year we got a toddler play table thing. The idea is that a budding walker can pull up to it and press the buttons and flick the baubles and such. What we didn't know was that the electronic talking voice gets annoyed if you leave it. So for ten minutes after baby wanders away to chew on something else, it would call out "LET'S PLAY!" in a creepy chirp every thirty seconds or so. Horrible.
There was the year we received an Alphabet Pal Caterpillar, which is really a nice phonics toy, I suppose, except that in "sound it out" mode you can toggle between M, O, and A to create your own porno soundtrack at home. ("Mmmmmm... ahhhhhhh... OOOOOOOO!") My daughter never seemed to like it any more or less than anything else, but I never could bear to listen to it for very long, nevermind the scrambling I'd be forced to do if she suddenly decided to bring it out when we had company over.
And of course there was the Christmas when Rock N Roll Elmo was what compelled my daughter to rise in the wee hours, and suddenly the baby monitor by my head would be blaring "SHAKE IT UP!" in Elmo's eardrum-shattering voice. Like every fine Horrible Toy, Rock N Roll Elmo had no on/off switch or volume control. Lovely.
One more -- after 101 commercials for the extra-super-cool voice-activated journal, my daughter begged for one and I managed to get one in time for Christmas last year. Not only does it refuse to accept her password most of the time, after a few failed attempts it blares a siren while bleating "INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT!" That would be plenty noisy enough, but it's usually followed by the sounds of my daughter sobbing, because all she wants is to open her darn journal. This one might be the worst of The Horrible Toys we've encountered, because in addition to being loud and annoying, it makes kids sad.
(I'm willing to suffer a little bit of The Horrible if it really makes my kids happy, but to be Horrible and frustrating? That's just mean.)
So lay it on me, fellow moms (and others) -- what's the worst holiday toy, in your opinion? Leave a comment, or blog about it and leave your link. I cannot wait to hear about all of The Horrible Toys I've missed!
Contributing Editor Mir also blogs about issues parental and otherwise at Woulda Coulda Shoulda and Cornered Office, as well as sharing the joys of mindful retail therapy at Want Not.
